apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
