I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
