I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
