So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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