im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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