I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
