There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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