dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
