HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
