what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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