I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
