i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
