He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
