Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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