I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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