Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
