i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I got inside last night via doggy door
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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