I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's official drugs can't kill me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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