Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
