Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
