Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
