ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
