I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
40s are totally the cure
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
