I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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