sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize