What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
