omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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