Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
