He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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