how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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