The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
