apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
