Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize