Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
