apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
