i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
