im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
