I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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