We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
