Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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