I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
