Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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