Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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