I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Girls should come with a carfax report
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
