I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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