Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize