Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
