1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
