ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
