i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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