omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
