we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
