If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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