Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
