Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
