went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
