i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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